I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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