I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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