I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
