How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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