so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
