There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
