so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
