omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
