When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
