I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
FUCK WHALES
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
