id be glad to
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
