"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
