I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
