Don't you send me to vm
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
