Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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