ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
