she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
