ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
