I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
