i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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