I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
