She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
this will be a night to untag.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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