The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
