Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
