You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
