She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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