there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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