Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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