My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
