worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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