she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
