you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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