theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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