So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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