either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
