this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
