Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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