my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Boobs are out for the taking
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
