i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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