if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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