actually, I'm a sock model
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
