apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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