new low.... made out with someone while peeing
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
