I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
