It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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