so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
