Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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