I am spending my child support on dildos
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
