oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
