I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
